thoughts on fire

what do yah want?!

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 07:46:15 GMT

i'm in south carolina for school. i wish i was in chicago again.

i have a boyfriend now who was my best friend in high school.
i am at this stupid all girls school that's for smart kids.
i hoop still. it's still domination station.
i am transfering back to chicago for a better school for basketball.
i have 100 days left.
people here are liars. never go south.
some can be real cool but most are fake.
i can't sleep.

nothing else matters...

the trio

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 01:23:58 GMT

shorty(alex) my best friend. km22 (me) g-unit (gretchen) who's been around since the beginning
hahah we are trying to be badasses but i'm the only real one. ahaha.

why am i trying to be a badass

Fri, 06 Jan 2006 05:34:48 GMT

hell ya who's a hoopa! man i look dumb flickin' of the camera.
team won a 5 peat of this HUGE christmas tourny.
that's me flickin' ya'll off & my co-captian katy

im missing in action but here ya go anyway

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 04:59:15 GMT

okay it's pathetic but is it even more pathetic because i know it's pathetic?!
the past two nights
past two nights...
damnit. i've been trying to get sleep
attempting to get better from the illness and fucked up back
i never get sick like that
it was shocking.
anyways..
the past two nights
i have been trying to sleep but i think about him.
is it right because...
my peers say we'd be cute together out the blue
and i secretly blush and ignore the comments
i've wanted to take care of him since i saw him that summer day
they say it'd be interesting...crazy and crazy...in one
he's beautiful and gives the best hugs when he wants to
is it wrong because...
my best friend has a strange feeling
something just isn't right
because he doesn't always call back but
circumstances always make it understandable
he's a year younger then me
he's stubborn like me and doesn't always make sense
because he's playing games???
all the wrongs can turn into rights...
i still think about him when i hear that song
and remember the fucked up car ride.
when my head hits the pillow i wonder if i had guts
what i'd say...and in what order.
school girl i know.^^^
i tell myself i can't live without him.
but i remember i have for so long.
it would just be that much better.
i know he wants someone there...it's so obvious at times.
he's waiting to see who's right.
he thinks i'm teasin'
im not there is no reason to.
if he would give me the shot...
i'd hold him, love him and be there always.
i deal with his girly mood swings...i find them cute and misunderstood.
he doesn't know...he doesn't know
how i'd treat him right.
he's been let down soo many times.
maybe he just needs to hear it from me.
not by the storytellers.
im too shy.
every night just like tonight.
i think of him before i sleep sometimes a lot
sometimes not.
but for a second that night...
he's crossed my mind
i'm wonderin how he's holdin up
i know he's just fine.
living life like he does.
he's gonna be someone.
cocky boy.
i wouldn't say it if i didnt believe it.
he'll be someone.
he doesn't have to be but it's his destiny.
i want to be part of his story.
i want him to call me his
and he will be mine.
i feel like i can share so much.
i feel like i have what he needs
but i can't make him see
i wish he knew that i was for real when i say..
i'd always be there.
at your games.
happy days.
hardships.
and lessons.
i'd be there making sure everything is alright.
he should gimme a shot
it'd be worth his while...
he does 'feel me' and the hurdle was jumped.
whats stopping him?
it's just beginning...
who know what can happen.
i just know i'll always be round if he ever needed me.

i wish he knew...

now that just sucked but oh well

hello ARROGANCE

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 01:33:29 GMT

who's MVP?

yah i am -- that's right. #22

hahaha

sometimes i wonder

Sat, 26 Nov 2005 20:43:46 GMT

wow what a freaking crazy night. all i have to say everyone better keep their promise. oh and ya'll were right i dropped 17pts in this mornings game soo uhh looks like we have to do this every night before game day! stay up late and...uh right.

i was walking around the gym and this guy asked for my number and said we should "kick it" sometime. i was in shock i looked like crap! haha.

thanksgiving sucked and basketball still owns me.

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 01:54:44 GMT

wow this will never happen again.

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 04:29:04 GMT

basketball = my life.

i love you all.

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 20:09:53 GMT

um. does anything matter anymore?

trick or treat till your heart don't beat

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 20:50:28 GMT

halloween is a monday how much does that suck!?

well i haven't been updating a lot and it's kind of refreshing but all in all i never anything good to say anyways.

anthony n' tom came over last night when i got home from working out (yes working out on a saturday night) we watched the whole ten yards. tom was annoying as usual and i always wonder why anth brings him along. he's prolly afraid to be alone with me. he doesn't wana make the wrong move for me to punch him. tonight is the first night i acknowledge him acting on his feelings. i let him touch my stomach without any smart comments about "us." there will be no us ever and i hate myself for maybe leading him on but he's okay because at college i know he is a PLAYER.

on the other hand lee called me when i was in south carolina and i almost died. he wanted to see what was up. amazing. that hasn't happened since the whole i can't have him but he continues to hold me from behind in public and pretend like he wants me. always asking what's up but always calling me tom boy which is the level point. he laughs when i get dressed up and i laugh that i kick his ass when we play one on one. (he's 10000 times better then me in hoops)

kendell is younger then he is. he doesn't understand the words...i want you. and ever since i said that he won't talk to me. this weekend though he kissed me and only me on the cheek. secret acts of affection in front of the whole group of pals. i can't take him seriously ever and i'm glad i told him i want him. he is insecure and crazy. he's not what i am looking for and i am not what he's looking for. i hope he didn't tell anyone i said that. humilating.

friday night-
team sleepover -- everything we aren't supposed to be doing because we are good catholic school girls. hah. i went over to this kid vance's house. he's a good guy i don't see why a lot of people don't like him. he's alright if you get to know him. i knew he was rich but i didn't know he was extremely rich. he lives next to atwan walker's mom. haha fucking crazy.

looks like i am going to college for free in south carolina but it could change anyday, anytime. why do my friends drive passed my crib blasting music 1000 times. i am fucking staying in. annoying.
life is okay. everything will be alright. high school is dumb.

she got my guy

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 22:21:48 GMT

uh yeah this i dead and over but yah know i thought some ya'll would love to see my summer romance that spiraled me into shit. gotta remember all those awesome times tho! hahaha.

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 23:13:38 GMT

college = south carolina?

wedding saturday for Jeff and me in a amazing purple dress.

this should be long be it might not be

Sun, 09 Oct 2005 08:32:28 GMT

okay long time no see...to fill you in.

-friend anastasia is dating old friend or more nick which is quite uneasy but i find it comical and i am not on speaking terms with either of them. well kinda anastasia.
+new coaches for basketball rock my socks.
+kipp broke it off with his girl so that makes room for me which is quite pleasing but will never happen anytime soon.
-brothers are off on a fishing trip
+jeff's wedding is on the 22.
+kenny and tracy went apple picking.
-i didn't get any apples cos i was a bitch.
-tonight was the last time i'll see anthony before christmas.
+i told anthony i was interested in him...he's liked me for 5 months.
-chances are nothing with happen with anth.
+three day weekend.
-high school sucks. 5 months left i think or something like that.
+yellow car smells like strawberries.
-all those people i used to hang out with were calling me a bitch/slut/whore/skank and everything nice tonight. fuckers.
+they meant nothing anyways.
+old best pal came to just gimme a hug tonight at midnight! :)
-we play warriors tomorrow.
+sox are super close to the world series.
-new orleans is dying and so is cali.
-kendell thinks i'm weird.
-i don't want john lennon on my wall anymore. :\
-don't know where i will attend college.
+it probably will be a city.
+nick is fighting again so he's happy.
-my basketball shoes hurt my feet.
-i was never a favorite.
-no one calls anymore.
+lost friends call more.
+chocolate is in my fridge.
-they don't call soda...pop in NY
+tiffany says john and i are compatible.
+i never laughed so hard after that class.
+religion is pointless.
-i live for myself.
+i love basketball.
+i want to live for someone.
-my guitar has dust on it.
-everyone hates kristina.
+pizza <333
+late night talking to anthony about everything.
+best friend Shorty is coming over to chill tomorrow.
-she's sick so she might call off.
+i don't believe anything was supposed to be.

ghosts of me and you

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 03:41:50 GMT

she's not crumbling yet...i'll save her when she's falling really falling.
she doesn't need me. i just talked the whole time anyways.

this made me giggle

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 01:46:46 GMT

You scored as Loner.

</td>

Loner

75%

Punk/Rebel

44%

Ghetto gangsta

38%

Stoner

31%

Prep/Jock/Cheerleader

25%

Goth

13%

Geek

Drama nerd

What's Your High School Stereotype?
created with QuizFarm.com

measure these things by your eyes

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 23:31:15 GMT

"if he loved me it would end all wars"

i forgot i wrote that about him. damn. combat love. she has all my writings but i don't care because i don't need them but neither does she. i don't think it matters anyways. she stopped listening to me and i stopped caring, we were torn apart and the fact that she's dating the boy i was infatuated with really means nothing besides i have to laugh everytime i see them together. ironic.

basketball is cool but i always get yelled at and i'm not the type of kid to be attached to my coach. that's how everyone else is and i couldn't help but be a little left out right?

i am lost in this boy but he is blind. </3 --- figures. --- he's happy with who he is with though. what more can i ask for. damnit. time to shower...sorry i haven't been around -- i'll make rounds tonight hopefully peace and love.

Tue, 20 Sep 2005 01:17:30 GMT

now didn't i tell you not to blow yourself up?

my hair is wet and there's a cold breeze

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 06:37:58 GMT

basketball is insane i am at school for like fourteen hours everyday. whoo working out. i lost ten pounds in three days and i don't know if i should be worried or not. everyone says it looks like i finally grew up. i guess i don't look like a little girl anymore. sure wish i did. it's funny because right now i am waiting for this boy to confess his love for me tonight. damnit. i wish i was in love with him so i didn't have to break his heart.

i have an F in like my precalc/trig/geometry class. i don't even know what i am taking. i think it's more trig n precalc. who knows man. i should be getting an A. stupid. i am coming to the realization i like math and i am going to write a book about my sad little life.

fucking eh i gotta go to bed. good night ♥ ♥

nothing outta the ordinary

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 00:49:57 GMT

people are fucking stupid period
they come and go as they please and don't see how ridiculous it is.
high school X number of months left but i know it's not many.
yellow car gets me near and far. finally.
boys are stupid and i realized i would never lose a best friend over one.
not at this age. not later. not ever. he can fucking deal with it.
and i've learn over many years of fucking up a sit down conversation fixes everything between best friends for the most part. it's funny cos i don't even care about the boy it's about everything else but the boy.

kipp is the coolest it's nice to know i can take him to swing. i thought he wouldn't like it.
he's got a pretty smile.

<<<<<<<>>>>>

bam

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 00:36:49 GMT

i have been so busy ohh boy! i'll catch up on your lives someday.

i can tell you mine is pointless.

movie night ha

Sat, 27 Aug 2005 02:35:53 GMT

i think i ran at least 5 miles today. damnit. i am so fucking tired and it's friday.

i am so not going out tonight.

i am planning my suicide

Sat, 20 Aug 2005 05:31:40 GMT

i just got a .... buddy

him: dammit, you do know you bring out the slut in me

i feel sexy hahaha

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 04:02:53 GMT

someone said friends would never hurt you...what do they know about friends

without you

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 22:07:07 GMT

Joem: you know, you are one of the strongest willed people I know, if anything you ll be better from this whole thing.

i love you joe!

i finally got my feet on the ground to be knocked down

Sun, 14 Aug 2005 19:14:30 GMT

i was finally ready for everything i was running away from. the fear of it not being right or the doubts of everything would turn out alright. i wanted to grow up and find someone who i wanted to be with in the long run someone i could look ahead and see there beside me. completely blind to what life would throw at me i found someone it felt right with. so i took the step and put myself out there for the first time since ryan. i had no barriers, there was nothing i was hiding. who would have known i would run into the old me from about four months ago. running away from everything because you jumped in for all the wrong reasons or simply afraid for everything to be, dare i say it, perfect. you cannot believe it's happening. overwhelmed by fear you take off. saying good-bye the easiest way possible. lying through your teeth but believeing this is better; the pain will not be so crushing. to my surprise, i learned it hurts much worse to not have anything said straight out. without a concrete reason, without a bitter sweet good-bye. the honest truth would be better no matter how awful. for someone you care about to just brush you off like snow falling on their sleeves would feel more definate. you know it's dying and over. instead you tip toe around their heart trying not to leave it behind broken and bruise. little do you know that when you leave and walk away they will tear it apart themselves with all these questions. confusion sinks it and they're tearing up their souls trying to find out where they went wrong. crying themselves to sleep wondering am i not good enough for you to take the leap. you don't believe i am strong enough to catch you? unless you don't know what you feel and your fear is blinding you from everything you know is there. stupid enough to overlook everything that is right infront of your eyes. what if i said no? when you tossed it all away because you don't know where you stand or maybe it was my fault because i changed and didn't sweep you off your feet. but if i said no. i know you care! you wouldn't let me down so soft if you didn't, so why end this? why not figure it out together. listen to me when i say i don't want to hurt you but i can't promise happy endings. i know i want to be with you, but i want you to see that it's okay to believe someone is out there a little more. it's okay to believe that you may have found them. i wasn't ever thinking of how serious this would all end up but it's okay to dream. and it is damn fine to believe in this dream you never thought would come true. i am stronger then my appearance lets on, if this person is not me i will continue to live in my fading routine. don't worry about me.

as of right now. you tell me to go date these other guys because you know they all will fall in love with me. well, let me tell you a secret. it's not true. not every guy will love me...use yourself as a example baby. do you love me? if the answer is no it's just a tall tale. i will wait around for you until someone else comes along and sweeps me off my feet. i waited for three months for someone like you to come along. i will probably wait longer. never say that i am not thinking of you because i probably am. you will never know unless you make the next move to start everything up again because i will pretend. i can act as if nothing is wrong and pretend to sing along. look into my eyes if you ever want to know. my eyes are the gateway to my heart and soul. you will find me there.